All that's been going on.

I wanna take the time to jot down everything that's happened again lately. Just for the sake of it and the thought that one fine day in the future I would look back at this and think to myself that "I've made it."
So ig broke up w me again. This time it was really official. We arent really talking much, tho i just talked to him just now. Am glad we are still friends. When this happened 1 week plus back, it was horrible. My whole world came crashing down again.
I remember getting so paranoid and cabbing down to that midnight eatery place (forgot what its called) just to meet him, because in my heart i could tell smth wasnt right btw us.
Met him, cried like crazy. For no apparent reason.
He was sick of everything. I could see it in his eyes. Tht hint of happiness and excitement he used to have whenever he saw me just was not there anymore. That spark. It was more of a 'here we go again, pls spare me' kind of feel tht he gave off. And was giving off for the past weeks.
But although i could feel it, I was in denial. I was just secretly hoping that maybe he would decide to truly start afresh and let everything go. That maybe he would put everything down and love me unconditionally all over again like he did before. How could i be so selfish, i really wonder. I expected so much from him. Too much. He never told me i love you anymore. Nor did he text me first. I just denied everything..

Alas, the next day, it was over. My heart sank. Broke. Was torn. And probably clueless and in a daze. Locked myself at home. It felt like a part of me was taken away.
A few days later. 2 or 3. I went off to club w my girls. Just drank and drank and drank. And that very night, the accident happened.
It all happened so fast. At the time i was unable to even weigh out the severity of the situation. After realising they were all unconscious and the door wouldn't open. It hit me. Got off, climbed through the window and walked barefoot. Saw them on the grass. Everything was a blank sight. No thoughts. Just tears.
Another part of me was lost. I still can't exactly pinpoint how much this has affected me.
The only thing i can say is i know that im not the same but im telling myself that im okay.

I needed him there at the hospital. But there were two people i needed more.
My mum and dad.
That day i learnt, the only man a girl can truly depend on is her father. He was never one to yell at or nag at me. I like that.
But i could see and feel the worry and relief in him when he saw me. Everything was still a blank. It felt like two important doors to the two most important rooms in my heart were slammed shut in my face, never to be opened again. Dad brought me home. The part that scared and still scares me the most today is that i was physically unscathed from everything, apart from bruises and the seat-belt burn across my chest.

I stayed in my room for a whole day. Facebook was flooded w the news.
I felt so weak. Probably the lowest ive ever felt in my life. Nothing seemed to hold any meaning, it was just that scene replaying in my head and endless thoughts of why im alive and why it happened. It was all plain foolish guilt. Guilty abt being alive.
On that very day i realized something too. Friends that ive been calling my friends arent rly real friends after all.
I thought i had many friends, truth is ive got less than 5 people who truly cares about me out there. And im so much more than thankful that they are there for me. Another door shut in my face after that dawned upon me.
It wasnt that big of a blow, but it did sting a little more than I thought it would have.

Then came the part that i knew would come, what im so used to throughout these years of being known on social media. People started asking my questions. People i didnt know. And then came my favourite ones. Why arent you dead? You shouldve died. You dont deserve to live. You shouldve been in their places. Its your fault. You couldve done smth abt it. Yada yada. Heres the fucking catch to all of you. Alot may have happened to me. And oh yes i am feeling down and am very affected. But one thing's for sure, there's no way in HELL that your words are ever going to get to me. I am not going to sit here listening to everything you say and simply nodding and not saying a word back. No fucking way.
You want me dead? I am alive. And its okay for you to say that. I know where all your hatred is coming from. Someone else out there has probably wished death upon you too. That is something i would never say or do. I should be lying in a coffin? No. Instead, you should be ashamed for saying that. Shame on you.
Apart from the negative comments. There were countless people facebook messaging me asking me to be strong. Old friends ive lost contact with for years, teachers, counsellors. That let a little bit of light into all the darkness. Thank you, so much, all of you. i really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
I decided to suck it up. Eat something. Get some sleep. And go to my friend's wake.
It was still impossible for me to get into a cab/car so i took the bus. But that was okay.
I did not go to michelle's wake though, because i did not know her well. Just knew her that day. And the day i was supposed to be there, i got an anxiety attack. Im sorry i could not make it there. I am truly sorry.

Then yesterday came. I rly needed a drink. So did my dear friend. It occurred to me too that i was not the only one who had problems. Everyone else out there has their own hardships which are equally as difficult for them to get through alone too. She was there for me, no way was i going to let her feel alone when she needs a friend there. And so we drank. And drank. I did ponder about it. Whether it was foolish to be drinking without a limit after everything thts happened. But at the time, I wanted to be drunk. I felt like i needed to get drunk. Everything piled up together, was just too much.
She got me home safe, and i love her. Thank you so much babe.
My mc lasts till today and its back to school for me later. A new start. A fresh page. As each second, minute and hour passes, i am and will be getting that bit stronger. People think I appear unaffected. The ignorance of humans.
I am affected, but I'm not going to be weak. I'm choosing to be strong.