Bella Choi.

One of the most meaningful songs to me.

Sometimes I wonder.
What do I actually mean to everyone around me?
Who am I to all my friends?
And especially to my boyfriend.
Cos at times I just feel like.
I'm not as important to him as he is to me.
Get what I mean..? I'm pretty sure tht alot of girls and also guys out there has felt this way before.
And the feeling really sucks to the core.
Like being left with thoughts wandering around your brain tht he doesn't really love you,
tht he just might be using you, might only be with you for your looks and money.
And especially when the reality tht you see through your own eyes proves you right.
Yet you don't wanna believe it because inside your heart, you 'know' tht he does love you.
But yet your mind is telling you tht he doesn't.
It's like..knowing he 'loves' you yet knowing tht he doesn't at th same time.
o.O doesn't really make sense, but, makes sense.

I guess lack of trust is th reason why.
Most people say that trust is th key to a true and long-lasting relationship.
But I don't really agree with that 100% .
I think that I trust my boyfriend. But seriously, if there really was trust, why would all these thoughts and insecurities keep going through my head?
I know that I don't, but I hate admitting it because it makes me feel so guilty. 
Who else out there has felt like that before? \:
I know inside that I don't yet I say that I do because I don't want him to be hurt but in th end I am hurt, but its okay because I 'trust' him. Get it? LOL, wtv I totally feel like I'm not making any sense here.
But DO YOU GET IT?! I BET YOU DO.
And we humans are just so contradictive.
The majority of us goes about this phrase 'Trust No One.' 
Yet we, still go about 'Trust is the key to a relationship.'
And furthermore, we still say 'Practice what you preach.'

We are all hypocrites.
Sighighigh, sad to know, but hey its the truth.
I'm a hypocrite and so are you. Oh well.

Anyways.
At times. I just get so tired of everything. Tired of trying. Tired to prove to you that I've learnt from my mistakes and that I'm trying to change.
Because it's so hard to make you see it through my actions. I have to say it to your face.
And tht would just make you think it's not genuine.
And at the end of the day, I always somehow manage to fail and prove your thoughts and assumptions right.
I manage to make you think tht I haven't changed, tht I still repeat my mistakes, and tht I've even gotten worse.
But tht's really not what it is.
I make mistakes. Many of them. But so do you..

At times I don't even want to start talking about this to you face to face.
Because you would always retaliate and say something back.
You always have to defend yourself whenever I try to talk to you about something.
Even when I'm not even starting an accusation.
I'm just trying to talk things out with you and to make our relationship better, you know..?
Because I love you. And because I'm serious about this, I care, and I want this to last forever,
I want to marry you.

I wonder if you've ever felt that.
And you know. It's not tht Im being difficult or what when I don't say anything about what I'm feeling inside.
It's not tht Im trying to make myself seem complicated, or pity myself or make myself appear like th most miserable soul on earth tht no one understands whatsoever.
It's honestly because, I don't dare to.
Yeah, I do not dare to.
Because I know that whenever I open my mouth about this and start telling you about how I feel like you don't understand me, and how hurt I am inside.
You would shut me up and start to tell me about how hurt you are because of me talking like that.
And you would think that I'm selfish and self obsessed, and tht I push all blames on you and only think of my own feelings.
But no....it's not that I swear to god. I hate feeling this way.
You think I like feeling this way and knowing that you're the cause for it when you claim that you didn't even intentionally do anything and would never do anything to hurt me?
But inside I'm thinking that you're not even faithful and that you don't even love me?
Inside I feel used and I feel unloved?
I want to talk about it to make us better. Not to accuse you.
But if I ever open my mouth about it.
I'm so afraid that it would hurt you, start a fight and make us worse instead.
So, sometimes.
I just sit there and cry. I'm sorry that it irritates you, but I can't help it.

And that's what I mean when I tell you, I don't know what to do.
I don't know whether to talk about it or not, because if I do I'm selfish/I may hurt you/we will fight.
If I don't, it stings so much inside.
I don't know how to act and what things to say around you, because inside theres all these thoughts yet I can't show them and I don't want to show them because I just blame myself for all of it.
I just blame myself that I'm too insecure, that I can't find a way to trust you, that I think that you don't love me.
And I just think way too far at times from judging your actions, 'proving' my thoughts right inside when actually I'm only judging from my own point of view.
And when I hear what you've got to say, I can't find a way to believe any of it because inside, my thoughts and judgements have already proved myself 'right'.
But yet on the other hand, I do not want to believe it. Because it's so wrong to think that I'm right just by judging from one side. I have to hear from your side too.
But. How the hell can what you say change th way I think when I don't even trust you at all?

Especially when I think through every single little detail from the start.
All th money I've spent on you..all the times I've travelled down to meet you.
And when it hits me tht I'm usually always th one who's putting all th effort in, and you just seem to be sitting there and slacking off waiting for everything to come to you.
But this just seems so harsh to say you know?
And whenever I want to let it out, I don't. Because I know whats coming next.
I'm not th only one who has spent money. Who has put effort in.
And who am I to complain when this relationship isn't just about me? When a relationship is about two people. Who am I to whine and only think of the hurt that I've got?
But I am hurt. I'm looking for a reason to why I am, but I can't find an answer.

I am so confused.
I don't know what to believe or think.
I want to trust you, but I can't.
Do you understand? ):