Help.

Anyone else there tht feels like this right now? (: Haha.

I'm sure tht thr was a point in life where every single one of us had felt this way before.

Where you just feel like crying, screaming, breaking every single thing you see, KILLLLLING SOMEONE.

Binging on ice cream.

And just throwing everything away because you don't care a less and couldn't be bothered to give a single flying fuck about anything at all? (:

IT SUCKS TO THE CORE RIGHT?!

I was supposed to visit kelvin 3 days back.

Planned with his mum (that fucking hates me might I add) to meet up at kallang mrt with my best brother ever, edwin, at 1pm.

Guess what happened? I fucking missed my alarm.

I didn't hear a single shit.

IT WAS THE DAY FOR ME TO SEE MY BABY, AND I FUCKING OVERSLEPT.

WHAT KIND OF A SHIT GIRLFRIEND AM I.

I woke up looked at the clock, and that pretty "1:38pm" was over there, as if it was telling me smth like 'HAHA IN YOUR FACE BITCH."

I fucking jumped out of bed.

Showered.

Called a cab.

Like a ninja, was ready at 1:50 and the cab was here. Wow? LOL. \:

But, still.

When I reached. I was about 3mins late.

His mum just went in to see him without me. Haha, can't blame her though. There's a time limit for prison visits. It's her freaking son, and I'm a whore tht she hates, why th fuck would she wait for me and throw her precious minutes with her imprisoned son away, because of me?

Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

I slept like a pig.

And got 'too bad then fuck off' shoved back in return. (:

Deserved.

I wanna say 'K FUCK YOU BITCH' so bad to her, but please.

I friggin woke up late. Fuck me.

And oh not just that, I got a second chance to see him, the very next day.

But, lost it again.

I had to be in school to see the school counsellor with my parents. On the day that I needed to meet kelvin.

I tried my very best in th morning to just stay under the blanket when my fucking persistent dad was forcing me out of bed. But no. I had to get up. My mum was also on her way to school.

It's my freaking parents..and I swear having to make these kinda decisions sucks so damn bad.

I got up in th end. Went to school. The session started at 8.

I was supposed to meet his mum at 12.

I thought it would end before that, but no.

I was kept there till 12.30. FML.

Gave his mum a call, was told in my face that she was already on her way to see him, and that I couldn't go anymore because I didn't show up.

Lol, enough said.

Haha.

25 fucking days without the most important person in my life by my side, it fucking sucks.

And what's really breaking me and making me fall apart is whats been happening in these 25 days.

Everything is changing, when what I really want is for it to become th same as before.

But no, things change and they are changing.

I don't wanna lose these feelings i've got for him, but yet they are fading anyways.

I don't want it to, but its happening. What am I supposed to do then?

I really don't know, haha.

At least now I know, how important he really is to me. How much he really meant. How much of an impact he had and has in my life.

Its like. He's still in my heart. It's still there, I still love him so damn much.

But..it's also not there anymore.

It doesn't feel the same. For some reason, I feel hurt.

I feel left alone.

I feel so fucking like, thrown aside and forgotten.

But yet I can't blame him or anyone at all.

So,... whatever, just FUCK it.

I totally agree with this. Like 100+1% plus chop stamp sticker banana whatever. I agree lah fuck.

When I look at those pictures with him that we have before. I used to feel so terrible.

But now when I look at them.

Guess what? It's just all so numb.

It's numb.

And there's this voice in my head repeating, hes gone.

Hahaha no of course not dead-gone, but. Gone from your life.

And then theres th voice that repeats, move on, stop letting yourself suffer like that.

But hey no. He is worth it.

I'm going to fucking wait.

And then theres the need for someone's attention. Sure, I get attention from friends, facebook, family, people that cares, blah.

But theres that need for that particular special attention that only one person can give you.

I feel like I'm drowning and engulfing ya'll in my leetle world of emo-ness. HAHAHAHA.

I'm sorry bear with me. ): I am just so friggin UGH now.

I never know why i'm feeling something when I feel something.

Like when I talk to a guy and start getting butterflies, I'll be all OMG DO I LIKE HIM?

Or when I randomly get emo and start thinking about a particular thing I'll be like OMG why th fuck do I care so much?

GET WHAT I MEAN GET WHAT I MEAN? Sigh-igh-igh.

What I really wanna do now is just.

Fuck it and move on.

How can I be so fucking selfish? (:

Hahaha. I guess it's human nature.. is it not?

Admit it, we always think about ourselves first, even if we do put others before ourselves.

There's always that TEENY moment where we acknowledge our own feelings before anothers, no? (:

But when I think about it. I'm only thinking about myself here.

I can't do that. It's unfair to others. And I especially and most definitely can't do that to kelvin.

Sighhhhhh.

I'm freaking lost. Lol. That's what I am now. ):

I really don't know what to do. There's so many mixed feelings. And so many things I wanna say but just decide to push away and press down, wrap it up in a giant ball and just stuff it down the deepest deepest deepest cave there is in my heart.

Because. It's so pointless to be upset. Over anything at all. When you can smile and be happy.

And even I am upset, I hate talking about it.

I don't rly like sharing what I feel inside to anyone..i'll just feel awkward and weird. And like as if I'm a huge burden and a attention seeker. \:

Truth is I'm just so lost now.

I don't know what love really is. But if this is love, then fuck, I'd rather not love ever again at all.

BECAUSE I'M FEELING LIKE CRAP.

Gotta admit though. It feels easier now.

I'm getting used to this, and starting to be able to cope with it.

I'm starting to face the fact and accept what happening.

The worst part is, I know that thrs a dang high possibility tht he would be gone from my life forever.

But it's not as hard as it was before..thank you lord?

Over time, it gets easier to put on a smile that you don't really mean.

Or does it?

You get better at things, as you get used to it.

Yeah, thats the words.

Just like how your handwriting sucks in in January and looks way better in May. Hahaha.

I guess I'm glad that at least things are getting better.

But I still can't deny that it's fucking hard.

On to something else.

Feelings.

It doesn't take one to be a genius to know this.

Without him now, I've lost alot of things.

Sense of security. The feeling of being loved. The feeling of being appreciated, cared for. Th feeling of having someone worried about you.

Having someone to joke and laugh with and talk about everything with.

Someone to fight and argue with, someone to talk about life with..

It freaking sucks. ):

And i've met many new people. Some that are able to fill up a little bit of that space in my heart that's missing. Some just great new friends.

But honestly none feels the same as he does.

None of them.

For some reason Kelvin's the only guy that is so different.

And I swear to god I need him here..k fuck me.

I'm starting to annoy me too. -_-

I just fucking miss you baby.