We all have a story. And here's mine.

Here goes :) *deep breath*

I don't really believe in that whole bound to be fat theory because of your genes, that if your parents are fat it's only normal that you're 'born fat' or wtv. To me it's just utter crap. 

In my opinion what really makes a baby/child overweight would be their lifestyle, what their parents feed them and what they're taught since young.

Blaming the genes etcetc would just be a lousy excuse opposed to bad parenting.

Most babies are all about the same average size when they're born, no? You've gotta agree on that.

I was never exactly a skinny child.

I was also an only child. (:

Whatever I wanted, I would get it.

I was the lil princess in my family. How could they bear to say no to me? hahaha, especially when I cried.
I had a really happy family. Loving parents, loving grandma. 

Puppy, HAHA who is now my old doggy snowie tht'll be turning 13 this year. :)

Ohwell..

I've loved food for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was 3-5 years old.

As a kid, whenever my parents told me that we were going out, I would just get so excited.

For the food. LOL. I was basically a glutton HAHAHA sigh.

I would just think about the awesome cake and ice cream that I could have in those expensive restaurants my dad used to take my mum and I to,

ponder about whether I was going to have my favourite kiddy sushi bentos or spaghetti,

or if we were going to go to some mysterious new place that I've never been to before with awesome 'new' food. HAHA!

And yes, I was a dang happy little girl. Too happy actually to be honest.

A round fishball of spoilt brattiness. Yeap.  

But although I was spoilt, my mum had her strict side too.

As a kid at the age of 4, my mum signed me up for ballet and art lessons. 

The art lessons I loved, because all we did was draw and colour with oil pastels and paint. Pure entertainment for a 4 year old duh HAHA!

As for ballet, I didn't exactly know what I was in for to be honest, but my mum wanted me to be a dancer.

So yes, I took it up, and ended up liking it too.

But what really caught my eye the most, (I would never forget this hahaha), was the piano the lady in the studio played for our music whenever we practiced. 

I was just so amazed at the big black box thing with such pretty black and white keys, golden footprints fit for a princess (yes I called the piano pedals golden footprints HAHA) and what I loved the most was the beautiful music it could make. 

After every dance practice i'd run up to the piano and start going all ding ding dong ding dong on it.

So I told my mum tht I wanted to learn how to play it too. She was hesitant at first of course,

thinking tht i'd just give up halfway, but she still got me piano lessons in the end.

That's how I started piano, and till today, I STILL LOVE IT, hahaha!

Then life went on happily and shortly after I started primary school!
And this was when the art lessons had to stop, because I had (and still do have) a horrible habit of biting my fingernails. There was this once when my fingers were all infected by the oil pastels cuz apparently I chewed all the skin on my fingers off, and then used the oil pastels, then got paint smudged in it (omg ew) 

and yes. I couldn't stop crying LOL. So yeah, byebye art lessons. :( 

So primary school started, and that's when my mum went all STRICT-MODE-ON and got me english, chinese, and math tutors. 

And once I started primary 3, yeap, she was right on time getting me a science tutor as well. LOL.

I took up figure-skating too on that very year when I was 9 years old, and gymnastics to help with my flexibility for skating (also along with ballet!) , and also swimming lessons as I was interested too HAHAHHA.

(these are really my certs LOL)

I had a total of : 6 curricular activities (including my school cca which was concert band) and 6 tuition sessions in a week. (maths and science was twice per week) .

I had the typical lucky kid's life I guess. 'lucky'. Irlydk if its lucky or 'lucky'. Like there's good points and bad points about it. ohwell. 

And because of all this, for a moment, I went from being chubby to acceptable weight. :) 

Soon after I got to primary 6, and things just got way more stressful. 

It was hard to cope with everything cuz of PSLE and shit.

I started coming home from sch, going out for my CCA, then tuition, coming back home, eating, not doing homework, going straight to sleep and wanting to skip school the day after cuz I was way too tired LOL.

So I stopped skating, gymnastics, and ballet. :( 

And after I got my gold-star cert for swimming, I stopped it too.

My mum refused to stop tuition no matter what so I HAD to get rid of a few ccas ugh. 

Anyway, so PSLE was over, and some of you have been asking what my aggregate score was.

I got 235 for my PSLE hahaha (: . 

And so yes, secondary school life starts now. (i'm trying to stop being so draggy and grandmother-ish LOL realised tht the intro of this post is getting way too long)

Here's where life took it's toll on me and punched me in the face. hard.

My first year of secondary school started off amazing.

I got into the best express class, LOL *nerdie bella*. 

It was so different from primary school, LOL. And I bet all of you have felt this before.

When you're sec1, and you step into secondary school. 

It's almost just like fuuuyoh I just got a promotion *flips hair*

fuh yeah. HAHA DO YOU FEEL ME? *winkwink. Like you went from princess to le queen.

And all the new people you see in secondary school, especially seniors, 

they were just like 'the cool gangstah kids' to you HAHAHAHA!

Anyway..

things were all going just great, until. Well, the problems started rolling in slowly.

My family started communicating less, because my dad was always overseas for work.

And my mum's temper just got horrible. 

They used to talk and laugh, hug and kiss. We would use to watch movies together as a family,

have dinner at the table together while talking and laughing.

But everything just gradually changed. Till today I still don't know why it did,

but I guess things just change over time.

No, people change. And feelings fade. 

It was always silent at the dinner table. No more laughter. No more 'how was your day'-s 'wanna go out on sunday'-s 'watch a movie later'-s or whatever.

Things just went from the once so very bright and colorful joyous family to grey.

And at that point of time I was 13, I noticed it, couldn't understand why, but didn't think much of it either.

Friends were put first, foolishly.

One fine day in april, awhile after the year started.

I came home from school in the evening after cca to see tht my mum was on her way out with her friend, saying it was just a party and tht she would be back early, and her friend left her kids at my place.

My dad came home from work, my mum wasn't home. I told him she went out with her friend.

He didn't think much of it. 

Until the clock struck 3am and she still did not get home.

I was sitting on the couch calling her phone since 12am but it was turned off.

And then the doorbell rang, there her friend stood at the door alone.

Without my mum. 

Something's happened, she fetched her kids, talked to my dad, and my dad left the house shortly after,

only to come back alone again at 6 in the morning with tears in his eyes shutting himself in his bedroom.

And I was just there like wtf. 

I don't wanna elaborate on anything else here, but yeah, my parents got seperated a few days after.

And that hit me hard. Really,  really hard. 

It was just such a shock at first that I couldn't even feel anything/wasn't sure of what to even feel.
I just knew that this family was gone. ahaha.

And from here. Was when I made the biggest mistake ever. 

To let the shit tht happened btw my parents, affect me and my life.

I just ate and ate and ate whenever I felt upset, and gained a massive amount of weight.
Here we goooo. ohgosh. 

I had to dig up reaaaaally really old online photosharing accounts of mine to find all these pictures, 

and I managed to find a few. Hahahahah.

This was how I looked then, still not at my fattest moment.

But here i started skipping school, (i rmb this day LOL i skipped school with my friends and went to white sands HAHA) not bothering about studies. Actually just not bothering about anything at all anymore tbh. 

And so the days just continued like that. 

My dad tried his best to care, and to encourage me to go to school. But all I did was push him away.

I was never close to him as a child, because it was always my mum, my mum, my mum.

Everything was just mum. I talked to her about everything, shared my feelings with her,

came home to see her before I saw my dad, etcetc yeah. 

Then I just got fatter.

and fatter.

and fatter. oh god fuck my life *pullshairout* wtf was i thinking when i posed in this wtf ok NVM THAT. 

*covers eyes so i wouldn't look at this embarrasing picture*

So yes hahaha i just gained more and more and more weight, 

and I went from 56kg to 75kg in probably just a month. 

So the name calling started. People started giving me these kinda..fucked up hateful looks almost wherever I went.

When I went out, I felt so ugly and insecure. Because people would take a second look and I'd know inside that it's not for a good reason.

Especially guys, 16, 17 year old guys. 

Lol I rmb how I was always so afraid to walk past a void deck cuz sec sch guys always hung out there back in 2008, and if I did I was sure that they would laugh at/make a joke out of me.

I was also pushing away my classmates and teachers in school, and because of that lost almost all my friends.
People in school who used to be my friends,

called me names like pig, porky, fatty, obese bitch, ugly fat girl, disgusting, etcetc. 

And words like that hurts more than you think they do.

It's so easy to say, but once you've managed to scar someone, they'll remember your words forever. 

At this point of time, I really just didn't want to go to school at all.

So I just locked myself up at home. My dad couldn't do anything about it. 

But even when I didn't go to school, the bullying did not stop. I would go online on friendster and see those people talking about me in the comments, laughing at me, hurling fucking crude remarks.

I just didn't understand why they were being like that. I never did anything to hurt them. I never insulted them in any way. It's just because I was fat, and because they're skinny.

So I hated myself. 

'Why did I have to be so fucking fat? 

If I were skinny, then maybe I wouldn't get all this treatment from others. 

And also maybe because I was ugly. Nerdy. From express. From a good class.

Why did I have to be studious? If only I seemed intimidating and gangster-ish, then maybe they'd leave me alone and respect me. '

Tht was exactly how I felt at that moment of time.

So, I turned to self harm.

I didn't take any pictures of my arm when i was self-harming before, but here are the scars on my arm today.

I wouldn't say that I was suicidal. Not at all. I just wanted to ease the pain.

And honestly letting my emotions out through bleeding seemed so much easier than talking about it,

I had no idea how to put any of what I felt inside out into words, was too ashamed to say anything,

cutting seemed so much easier.

I self harmed for 1 entire year before.

And my arm is now so fucking ugly. lol. 

So the year after, i had a meeting with the school's principal.

She agreed to let me come back to school after me not going for an entire year. So I thought through it.

And decided. Alright. I'll try to study again. I'll try to just not think about anything and just study,

because it's important. Tho I really did not have the heart to go back to school,

I still went back anyway because I knew it was important. I had to at least try.

So this is me at the start of secondary 2. Hahaha yes still fat, but I managed to shed a few pounds before going back to school. (fear of getting called names again) 

And when I went back, to my surprise.

The people who used to bully me, didn't say anything anymore.

And a few of them even smiled at and said hi to me. wtf? 

I didn't give a shit to be honest I still wanted to sit on their face and suffocate them and be like 'yeah call me fat some more bitch now you die' LOL OK HAHAHAAHAAHAA!
But yeah. The class I was in in sec2, was srsly the best class ever. 

I still skipped school once in a while cuz it became a bad bad habit, but I went every now and then. 

and yes. that's me all the way to the right. Unfortunately, i don't even know how. I ate, and ate, and ate.

And became gained all the weight again hahaha.

At this point of time too, there was a guy that I really really liked. 

Let's just call him Mr.A for now.
Well. I've actually liked him for the whole year already ever since I met him with my friends at church,

but i didn't dare to say anything cuz I felt 'below' him. like he was way too good for me and I was crap. 

And one fine day I found something out.

Mr.A, this guy tht I liked so much. And did so many things for.

Bought food and sent it to his house in the middle of the night when hes hungry, accompanied him when he's bored on the phone, cheered him up whenever he was upset.

I was practically his maid, dog, slave, whatever. 

He called me 'porky' behind my back.

And I just broke down on the spot, in tears when I heard about it. lol..

I cried, like crazy. 

And after that, I made the worst promise to myself that I've ever made in my life. 

Never to let myself eat anything ever again.
That was the day I met 'mia'. A.k.a, bulimia.

I was so determined to lose weight so badly just so that he wouldn't make fun of me.

'Anyone could say anything, just not him. I didn't want those words from him, so I shall make it impossible.

And at the same time, I shall make myself skinny so that I'll be attractive.

Because skinny is attractive.'
Was exactly what I thought. So even though resisting the temptations to eat was impossible for me,

I found another way out.
Everytime I ate a meal, i'd go to the washroom and just throw every single last bit of it all up.
'That way it'd be = I'm not eating anything at all!'

well i was right about that. But so so wrong.

This was how I looked a month after doing all that shit. I was about 65kg here.
Everything was going just fine and weight was coming off extremely quickly. But obviously, there would be a horrible price to pay for all of this.

My hair that was once extremely thick and shiny, started thinning like crazy SUPER quickly.

A few strands could start falling off every few hours today, but then the next day in the shower.

Bunches and bunches just came off so easily when I shampooed my hair. It freaked the fuck out of me.

And I just didn't know what to do. I thought of stopping this whole eat-and-throwup thing.
'But I can't. If I do stop, i'm going to be super fat again. I'm going to be ugly. I can't stop. Or I won't be pretty anymore.'

So I ignored everything and just continued. I'm the one with the lightest hair in the pics here hahaaha.

And over here, I was down to about 58kg. And as you can see, I had really little hair.

My class tee there that used to fit me well looked huge on me LOL. And this was when people started noticing everything.

I would get people telling me stuff like 'omg you lost weight!' 'you've slimmed down!!!' 

and that just felt SO, SO GOOD. But it was probably one of the things that affected me the most too.

One of the things that made me stick to that whole throwup routine, 

because it actually made me consider that maybe throwing up after food wasn't that bad after all,

since positive remarks were coming out of it. 

And so I wanted to look pretty too, I got hair extensions, learnt to put on makeup. 

And yes. People were complimenting me and congratulating me on the weight loss, but none of them knew how I actually did it. How unhealthy and wrong and absolutely revolting it was. 

And eventually, my dad found out when I almost fainted at home one night.

I was just walking to my room, when suddenly. My head just throbbed. I saw stars, literally.

And everything just blacked out.

I was sent straight to KK hospital, and diagnosed with bulimia nervosa.
My blood electrolytes level was imbalanced, low blood glucose and low blood-iron. 

Although it wasn't necessary to be hospitalized, the doctor gave me a strong warning that I must eat something or sooner or later, I was going to die. He referred me to a therapist, and put me on a high-calorie diet for a month to get back all the nutrients that my body had lost.

I was devastated. The thought of letting any food back into my body (especially high calorie foods) just made me cringe so bad and I was scared to tears.

I did eat anyway, but just a little. My dad was way more cautious whenever I went to the toilet and I definitely could not go straight after meals anymore or else he'd know.

So things just got pretty fucked up for that period of time.

Up till today, there are times I do relapse, but it's gotten much better than it was before.

This is something tht has stuck with me for a really long time, but I'm fighting it. 

And I've learnt to eat healthy, and gotten my lazy ass up to EXERCISE instead.

Which is soooooooooooo much better for both the mind and body.
In the past when I just wasn't eating anything, yes I did lose weight really fast.

But gosh I was flabby and squishy everywhere and it's just...no.
Exercise is important. Theres no way one can be fit without exercise, hahaha sorry to say. 

There is no easy way to fitness. And you'll really never know till you try it. 

So, yes. Finally. Tht's about the most part of my story. 

Now a sidenote before I end this long post off.

Before anyone starts thinking/saying/assuming anything,

I'm most certainly not posting this up for attention or whatsoever. 

You're probably a fucking looney if you think that I am.

Every single one of us has our own stories to tell. 

I'm not saying that mine is horrible, 

there are so many more people tht's been in much worse situations than I have.

But I'm just posting this to let you guys know that life isn't exactly a pretty bowl of cherries to anyone at all.
This is also for those people out there who gets bullied,
who's suffering in silence everyday without anyone knowing. To let them know that out there,
someone cares. Family would always care, True friends would always be there. You are never alone.

We all have our fair share of problems, and it's definitely okay to cry. To feel upset. 

And it's okay to talk about your feelings to someone, instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

There's nothing to be ashamed about, because we are all beautiful, in our own way. (:
There is nothing wrong with being fat. Nothing wrong with looking different.
Nothing wrong with being 'too' skinny.
Thr's definitely something wrong if we were exactly like everyone else, no? HAHA

Thank you so much for reading guys, I really appreciate you guys so much, every single one of you :* Those of you who's sent me questions on my ask.fm which I haven't answered (my inbox there is currently flooded with 100 over qtns still) I am really truly sorry!!! I'm trying my best :( .
I promise I would answer ALL of your questions okay.
And those who's sent me such kind encouraging messages, the thank you messages from all of you too, hahaha it really makes me so happy to read all of them. (':

My next post would be about my diet and workouts now,  and how I toned up and everything. 

So stay tuned alright! Thank you :* :* :* .