Regret.

Lol damn. I really regret those embarrasing video's I took of myself months back.
this sounds soooo unlike me. hahahaha but yeah.
Well in this post i'm basically gna be talking about all my damn regrets. and fuck there are many of them.
Many of my stupid little xmm, foolish, did-not-think-before-acting actions tht i truly wish i could take back.
Oh well. I just need to let it out, lol i can't keep all this in anymore.
So. Here goes.

• Taking stupid videos of myself where I'm acting totally retarded/smoking/cursing and stuff
• Taking revealing photos of myself
• Saying some stuff that I honestly wish I could take back
• Doing things that I wish I'd never done
• Not going to school and studying
• Thinking that what happens in the cyberworld is actually so crucial when tbh it really doesn't even mean shit.

Okay I shall start elaborating.

1.) So months back, I think somewhere in....september or something last year. 

I took this video of myself where I'm just talking about i-dont-remember what, and I was smoking in it. And then my mum walked past me when I was taking the video too, and I was holding my puppy in it.

Dk if anyone would rmb, but yeah.

Then that was also the period where EDMW posted shit about me on facebook.

This page called 'EDMW loves singapore' . 

Anywaaay. Then for some reason, idk who, but this person got my videos from my facebook and posted them on youtube. Currently the views are like 11000++, and they titled it 'Underaged smoker bella choi'.

Lol.

Yeah laugh. Laugh more ah. Hahahaha.

Which leads me to really thinking abt my actions. Like srsly i so...fking...regret.

It's like. A moment of folly when i'm not rly thinking abt the consequences when I upload stuff onto my facebook. Because my facebook profile is public.

Anyway. Yeah, they posted in on youtube and once in a while I'll just go and view it.

Well it's a video of myself tht was practically taken and just posted on YOUTUBE.

There's really nasty comments on it that people say.

Like : omg fat bitch. Oooohh yeah you should post more smoking videos! (sarcasm, duh)

Ouh god her mum has saggy boobs. Ew ugly fat fuck go on a diet. blahblah

Yeah stuff like that. then it's just. lol. Obviously it gets to me.

Well yeah. 

2.) Stuff I wish that I had never done.
Well theres many. Wayyy too many to even list out.
Lol but the most crucial ones, is randomly meeting guys that I barely know.
To drink. Slack. And well. You know what all that shit eventually leads to when its
some random guy you've met online.
Yeah say it, I was a slut.
Because it's the truth. I was. At the point of time where I didn't think before I acted,
it seemed like nothing. Seemed like bullshit to me, like 'who the fuck cares? I do what i want'
But when the consequences finally comes.
Then I start thinking and regretting everything.
Because even up till today, I still am paying a big price for stuff like that.
One of the guys I've met especially, he wouldn't leave me alone even till today. Hahahaha.
That feeling, has to be one of the most horrible feelings any girl can ever feel.
Heres the summarized story.

• we met on facebook.
• we chatted on facebook.
• we flirted. 
• i went to his house for the first time.
• we had sex. 
• we barely knew each other.

and to sum it all up. i had a boyfriend, and after that day, this guy whom i shall not name went around spreading to his friends about me being a slut going to his house and having sex with him. 

Yeap that's about it. So naturally as everything continued to spread,
I started getting a shitload of haters. People were posting really harsh things on facebook abt me.
Like 'ew that fucking slut die bitch' 'you are a fucking slut' 'i pity your boyfriend',
stuff like that..
And although this happened almost 1 year back, it hurts to even be typing all this out today.
I always put on a strong front, I tell myself that the past is the past.
It can't hurt you. What's happened has happened, you do something wrong, learn from it, and just keep moving forwards. Forgive yourself.
But the damage was done.

The shame. The regret. The embarrassment. 

But despite all that, I stay strong.
If I don't stand up for myself and say something, who would?
If I don't defend myself and my rights, who the fuck would?
Which is partly the point of why I'm even posting all this in my public blog.
Anyway, people starting hating on me. I lost friends just because of that stupid action.
And yes I felt so fucking miserable.

Like everything was over basically, because of all the rumors going around about me.
People hating on me, people that I don't even know.
I've been there. Hell, i've practically been swimming in that pool since that very day everything started LOL up till now.
And the thing is, I didn't dare to turn to any of my friends about it.
Because I told none of them.
I knew I was wrong, and I was so fucking ashamed.
Well. It's a lesson fcuking well learnt.
And up till today, that guy who spread it around that we had sex.
He has a habit of going to my facebook, and just annoying me.
Like openly going against me. Gloating around, because he thinks so damn highly of himself.
Bringing the past up. Calling me a 'slut' still.
Still bitching and spreading the shit that happened in the past around today, although it happened almost a year ago.
Any of you guys know anyone like him? :) Hahahaha. Well, they are nothing to you.

Theres people think so damn highly of themselves, and go online to bring others down.
Because...? They have no fucking accomplishments in real life.
They feel the need to make themselves appear 'big' and 'mighty' and 'ehsai/pro' online just so that they get that sense of satisfaction.
So let them be. They are NOTHING to you at the end of the day.
Who the fuck even cares?
And i've blocked this guy on my facebook already. Haha, thought about it for awhile.
Today I finally made the decision to just fuck it and block him. It's that simple.
Before I was hesistating, bcos i was afraid if i did then he'd bitch more about me and spread shit about me more or something. but know what? I don't fucking care.
I've forgiven myself for it, and if he still has got a problem with it.
It's got nothing to do with me anymore so sorry not sorry, he should suck it up.

So just fuck the world and live your life with a smile. :) it never hurts to put on a smile.
Haters? Come on, they are nothing. 
Just by not bothering about them, and knowing that they are nothing to you.
You've already crushed them before they even had a chance to step on you.

And know what else?
I'm not ashamed anymore about my past. Yes I do regret, but I have put that regret behind me too. Why? 
Because, why not? (: 
Why the hell should I continue hating myself.
I may have made a horrible mistake. I may have disrespected my body and my pride.
But so does everyone else. Everyone has their share of mistakes and regrets. Everyone has their share of shameful moments.
And, everyone should forgive themselves for it.
We are all still only human. It doesn't matter if haters forgive you for it or not, unless your mistakes has something to do them. 
What really matters, is you. Forgiving yourself.
So chin up, anyone who's going through smth similar.
We're all still unique in our own way. We are all beautiful.
And just saying, I don't hate my haters.
I love them too. Their massive amounts of hate and insults they hurl at me everyday, builds my strength and confidence too.
Haters in my pov are just people who feel ugly about themselves.
They feel so insignificant, that they've to pull someone whom they feel is at a 'higher' standard than they are down, 
to make themselves feel like they are worth something.
So for the record. nah. I don't hate them. 
I actually pity them. Anyway. 
What really matters is that,
I'm not the mess that I was before anymore. I have learnt.
That's about all for today I guess. :)
Stay beautiful people.